


it isn't easy

by disaster_dan



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Body Dysphoria, Established Relationship, Fluff, Happy Ending, Healthy Relationships, Jean is a sweetheart, Light Angst, M/M, No Smut, Slight Panic, Strap-Ons, Trans Male Character, Trans Marco Bott, if you know what i mean, jean didn't hurt marco dont worry he thinks he did though, they're slightly older bc ive got the hots for adult jean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:13:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27278560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disaster_dan/pseuds/disaster_dan
Summary: It can be hard for Marco and Jean to get it on sometimes, but they're in it together.
Relationships: Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	it isn't easy

**Author's Note:**

> A.N: comes back nearly a year later with something small and entirely unrelated to my other works but fuck you my heart still belongs to AOT and trans marco is my religion
> 
> (im sorry though for this inconsistency omg)
> 
> this is very short and very shit written but i felt the need to post bc i love these two

“Jean, STOP!”

It’s a shriek that explodes out of Marco and Jean reacted within less than a second before he launched himself away from the man’s body laying down on the mattress and snatched his hands away from the freckled skin. Marco was laying back, undressed, spread open while Jean hovered over him and neither of them anticipated an outburst. Not with how far they were going that day. 

Marco avoids looking Jean in the eyes, _he can’t_ , and his body is jittery as he moves to sit and press himself against the headboard. His hands scramble for the sheets which now just feel dirty and hurries to cover his modesty. 

“I’m sorry I’m sorry- Did I hurt you? Shit- Marco. I should’ve been more careful. I’m sorry...“

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” His voice quivers and Marco hates the way he feels his throat tremble. There’s a burn in the back of his eyes and all Marco can do is draw up the covers more wrapped around himself covering any inch of skin he can. His breathing is uneven and almost painful, in complete opposite with what it had been mere minutes ago. He feels guilty asking. “Can we just stop?”

“We can absolutely stop.” He agrees without a second thought. He looks intently at Marco, pressed up against the frame of the bed and through the covers Jean sees he’s drawn his legs to his chest tightly and he knows that the grip Marco is holding the covers with is deadly. 

He had looked so pretty under Jean, breathing coming in short soft huffs, the way his chest rose and fell, the blush of his skin spreading from his freckled face to his shoulders prettily, Jean had actually _touched_ him where he had thought of touching him in the past. Forbidden. There was a swell of emotion and pride in Jean, Marco too, of what was happening nearly lost in the mist. Before panic decided to assault the latter. Jean wants to wrap his arms around him, protect and make him feel safe again, but he knows he can't. At least not now. 

Jean wasn’t careful enough. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Marco doesn’t look at him.

Jean feels his own throat begin to clog. “I’m really sorry.”

—•—•—•—•—•—

“Jean?”

Jean lifts his head from where it leaned back on the couch after arriving home. Marco is looking shy and small in the hall. He looks at Jean with uncertainty and all Jean wants is to hold him close after a long day. “Marco.”

Nothing else is said while Marco decided to move from his post and settle next to the brunette. Jean instinctively reaches for Marco’s leg and pulls it on top of his thigh. And it’s comforting, some fear slides off Marco and lets himself slack. And Jean even reaches for his hand, intertwines them and holds him. Marco breathes out and gazes longingly at them. 

“I’m sorry.” he says after a few seconds of silence. It causes Jean to look at him and Marco timidly does the same. 

“What the fuck for, baby?” But Jean already knows what this is about. They had already talked about it as well. It hadn’t been a week since the last attempt. There was an ominous cling of guilt from both of them ever since but it was Marco who couldn't shake off the thoughts of it, shame resonated restlessly. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

_Yeah right,_ he thinks. “It’s unfair that I can’t... pleasure you. I should be able to have sex with you, Jean, you’re my _boyfriend_.” Marco goes off and looks away from Jean’s eyes to the floor dejectedly. 

“No. It’s unfair we do it when you don’t want to.” he shoots back and leans closer. “It’s okay if we don’t.”

“But I should want to.” Marco insists and now he’s looking Jean in the eyes again. He’s begging, crying for help, at the same time he’s filled with fear not knowing what to do. “I want to. _I want you_. I just... I can’t...”

Marco wasn’t usually so pessimistic or hard on himself, no, he was his own light of motivation and the one who others sought help from. Not the other way around. But Jean couldn’t blame him, especially with the recent occurrence which affected Marco significantly for those days. As so anything involving sexual intimacy never failed to wreck his morale, it set off his dysphoria and did so violently. Jean didn’t want him any less for that though. He wanted Marco any way and nothing would change that.

Jean noticed the drop of Marco’s shoulders before he with an arm placed around him and pulled him close. Marco sunk into him and ignored the sting in his eyes, his hand that held Jean’s tightened.

“We don’t have to figure this out right now, Marco. We have all the time we need.” he tells him and feels Marco nod with a small sniff. He kisses his black hair and secures his hold a bit, just to add to his point. “Even if we don’t have sex, how I feel for you doesn’t change. All I want _is_ you. That’s enough for me. Just you next to me is enough.”

“But…” Marco is about to start until he realizes he can’t rebuke Jean’s words. What Jean said is simply true, Jean was loving as he was and never pressured him into anything. There was barely enough of a handful of people like him, with that kindness. Why was Marco pressuring himself? 

All he wanted was to make Jean feel good… Do things that normal couples did… 

Marco sighs. Jean can feel his low spirit, he hates seeing him like that.

“Do you want to take a bath?” Jean offers tentatively and some of Marco's anguish melts away.

Marco’s dysphoria prevented him from doing things in the bedroom, thankfully that didn’t include bath bombs with Jean. Pressed up against each other, bare skin, slippery, enjoying each other's warmth and company. Jean’s hands would play with the suds and wander about Marco’s skin, his sides, arms, chest, abdomen, they would reach between his thighs everything with affectionate intent. Marco did the same. Marco liked that. They both did. They probably needed that.

“Can we use that blue one I’ve been waiting for?”

“So lame.” Jean groaned playfully and chuckled at the light slap Marco gave to his thigh. He moved away, gently took hold of Marco’s cheeks with his hands and brought his face upwards. He smiled and Marco’s corner of his mouth twitched into a shy one. His eyes were slightly rimmed red, his eyelashes had a tiny shine of the almost shed tears. He still looked as radiant as ever to Jean.

“So handsome.”

“Gaah, you loser.” Marco laughs lightly and lets Jean pull him in. 

—•—•—•—•—•—

“Baby.” Jean greets happily with a grin as he enters their apartment, spotting Marco by the small kitchen table with instnt noodles. Even when he’s about to shove that plastic into his mouth he still looked cute.

Jean kicks off his shoes and hurries to hug Marco around his shoulders and kiss his head.

“Jean.” Marco greets back and leans into him before Jean lets go. He plasters a kiss on his boyfriend’s soft lips who hums in return sweetly. 

“How was your day?” Jean asks and goes to sit on the opposite side. 

“Mm, boring.”

“Without me I bet.”

Marco giggles briefly and lowers his eyes. Even as a couple Marco still managed to get flustered at mundane things Jean did and said. Jean thought nothing of it but winsome.

Jean joins him with his own cup of noodles, deciding that cooking could be for another time. But Jean notices that Marco can’t sit quite as still as usual. And he is slightly holding back on what he says, his eyes keep drifting off somewhere else. But Jean knows he’s _okay_ -okay. There isn’t anything particularly bothering Marco that Jean sees, not his work or his dysphoria which time and time again makes its unpleasant appearance. He seems- nervous almost. 

Cut the crap.

“Is something on your mind?” he asks and Marco slightly jumps at it.

Marco can’t run away from this one, or Jean for that matter. Jean wasn’t one to beat around the bush for things. He always wanted to know the what and how’s, and Jean perception wouldn’t allow Marco to slither off with a ‘don’t worry’ because that just threw gas onto Jean’s worry. But Marco didn’t want to escape, rather he was waiting for the tiny push to finally spill.

He pushes his noodles around with his fork and shrugs. “I… I actually… I bought something? And I...wanttotryit.” he said quietly and looked up with hopeful and determined eyes at Jean. 

Jean’s head tilted. “Wa-tru-what?”

“Wait here.” he says before moving from his seat and with quick steps goes into their room.

Jean watches and his eyebrow is up, confused. He heard the first part, Marco bought something. Jean's mind scrambled to figure out what. He luckily didn’t have to wait too long, Marco retrieved what he had gotten relatively quick. And Jean finally sees- he can’t blame him.

Marco stands there. For the fact that he’s holding something as obscene as a strap on with such an intricate design for a cock, Marco’s deeply flushed face and his thin eyebrows that slightly dig in uncertainty is fitting. Quite honestly Jean is almost offended that it probably has an inch on his own. But that feeling doesn’t stay because Jean feels the riling up within him, an excitement pool in his belly and a feeling spreading on his groin. He blinks, and looks at Marco who still seems worried. 

But Jean can tell- there’s anticipation in his eyes. Jean has seen that face. _Desire_. And Jean was not about to miss out on that. 

“Absolutely.”

**Author's Note:**

> you can find my tumblr disaster-dan :) though everything is slow atm


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